Last week, I introduced you to a 940-year-old Chinese poem. It reveals how we often need other people to help us see things more clearly.
Yet not everybody benefits from our clarity.
Not all advice is rooted in genuine concern for your growth and evolution.
So how can we distinguish noise from wisdom?
How do we become more intentional about who gets to influence our decisions?
Before answering those questions, let’s first take a look at a common blind spot: the illusion of independent decisions.
Your environment feels inert, yet it is quietly shaping you.
You probably like to consider yourself an autonomous free-thinker.
In reality, we are much more permeable to external influence than we like to admit.
Your environment shapes what you normalize, what you tolerate, and what you believe to be true.
It explains why family members share similar lifestyles and why friends have similar mannerism.
Influence is established via proximity.
This is not just about physical distance.
We also experience emotional, psychological and spiritual proximity to other people and entities.
The podcasts you listen to, the influencers you admire, the social groups you spend time with—they are subtly shaping your inner architecture.
There is a Chinese saying that describes the undeniable power of proximity:
近朱者赤 (jìn zhū zhě chì)，近墨者黑 (jìn mò zhě hēi).
- 近 (jìn): close to
- 朱 (zhū): red or crimson color
- 者 (zhě): person
- 赤 (chì): red or crimson color
- 墨 (mò): ink or black color
- 黑 (hēi): black color
Its literal meaning is: when you are next to red, you also turn red. When you stay next to black, you also turn black.
At least, this is the case when you are moving through life on auto-pilot.
This is the case when you stay unaware of how the myriad of external voices are shaping your perceptions.
Are you unconsciously turning “red” or “black”?
There comes a time when many of us awaken to deeper layers of reality.
Perhaps you suddenly realize that:
- Your beliefs are outdated
- Your thought patterns are undermining your quality of life
- The people closest to you are holding you back
I believe that you always fall to the level of your life’s structure.
Your circle of people are part of that structure.
And they quietly influence your invisible structures: beliefs, morals, and values.
A similar idea was conveyed by the author of the book “Atomic Habits”:
You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.
– James Clear
So what kind of social influence are you living under?
Whose opinions are you absorbing?
And most importantly, whose advice should you take into consideration?
The answer is clear when you listen to your body.
How does the advice make you feel?
Does it make you feel smaller or feel more expansive?
Does your body contract in tension or exhale in relief？
It is important to distinguish between words of wisdom and advice driven by fear, jealousy, or distorted perceptions.
Wisdom offers you insight without blaming, shaming, or attaching itself to an outcome.
Advice rooted in wisdom gives you clarity while allowing you to maintain your agency.
You may feel challenged, yet the advice feels calming and grounding to your body.
On the contrary, distorted advice dismisses your lived experience.
It attempts to override your ability to make thoughtful decisions.
Such advice often comes with an urgency to act and a strong emotional charge.
So your body tenses. Sometimes, this is followed by a wave of anxiety, despair, or hopelessness.
The body is more intelligent than you think.
And this, my friend, is just a sneak peak of the immense power of intuition. I will be writing extensively about this topic soon.
Openness to consider various opinions is a sign of maturity.
Yet openness without discernment is a direct path to self-abandonment.
The best advice comes from people who can hold your complexity and hold you accountable.
In order to recognize who these people are, you must first become capable of holding your own complexity.
I realize this article is getting long and I have not told you a single story (oops, this happens when I am too absorbed in writing deep reflections 😂).
There will be lots of chances for us to catch up on stories, so fret not.
For today, I invite you to hold the spirit of appreciation for ALL the people who have guided you forward thus far.
And hopefully, you are also a beacon of light in someone else’s life.
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Until next week.
Love,
Crystal
